I’ve never known a purer heartache
than being told that I am not loved.
and that I never was,
by someone I loved more than anything.
I did everything.
I invested so much.
So much time.
So many months and days and hours that you were my whole world.
And it turns out I was nothing.
The nightmare of devoting myself to someone that didn’t even truly want me.
How could I let this happen.
I thought I was better than that,
Apparently I am not above it.
I don’t see how I could ever love again.
I couldn’t put myself through it.
I am finished.
I immediately felt the light and electricity in my heart fizzle out.
I felt death of myself that I have never known possible.
I never want to be a bitter person. I’m trying so hard to change and stay positive. But as far as letting a man or love in, I believe that was it for me. I can not ever do it again. I won’t. I am too destroyed and humiliated.
I feel dead inside.
But then I remember…I’m not.
There’s a life growing inside of me. And I feel sorry that the poor little baby has to be stuck in my terribly sad body right now. I want to feel better for its sake. I have just never felt this. My confidence has never been so low. And this is the worst time to feel that way, I know. This little life is the only thing that can save me from completely losing myself. And for that and nothing else I’m hanging on.
This is the first day I’ve really, truly felt sad. I have missed you of course but there are other matters on my mind and I’ve been focusing on being healthy and at peace. I’ve gotten used to sleeping alone every night again. But today. Today I’m sicker than most days, I keep throwing up. and I wish you could just be here sometimes. when I’m so nauseated that I can’t move. or to go on walks with me. or go to the doctor appointments with me. But I’m just going to have to keep doing what I’m doing and be strong. Im gonna have to stay strong for the rest of my life now. no feeling sorry for myself. Im going to be responsible for another life, I cant just be sitting around depressed. I still love you very much so of course I’m going to miss you some days but i can’t let it consume me. And of course I want you to succeed in what you’re doing as well. The extra hormones aren’t helping my case right now, I know I will be okay. I can do this. Today is just difficult. xo
Why do I keep enduring the pain of
silently getting my
heart ripped out as I play dumb
to your selfish lies
and to the fact that if you don’t love me yet,
you never will.
I can’t move on because
I see your toothbrush next to mine
every time I go into the bathroom.
and we still
laugh so hard and
we still hold hands while we sleep.
It will be winter soon and
I’m more ready to sleep out on the rainy street
than in a warm bed alone again.